The new girl…

So I’m going to tell you my story of starting sixth form with no idea of the sorrow the future had waiting for me. 

I was currently in a boarding school, for five years. Everyone knew me as a quiet girl but I was determined to change that. I knew I wasn’t going to be those loud girls but my aim was to be more talkative, more approachable and a lot more confident. 

My plan was to go to college; however my mom wanted me to go somewhere local and as my sister was starting year 7 in the same area as the sixth form, I somehow ended up going there. Sure I was a little bummed, but my aim was still my top priority.

So as summer holiday rapidly went by, I tried much as possible to block the voice in my head making me nervous. I’m not crazy saying there’s a voice in my head, everyone has it. It’s either positive, negative or both. 

My whole life my negative voice was much more louder than positive, it made me think I wasn’t good enough to get an A in my exams of course work, if made me feel hopeless in many situation. 

But I didn’t want it to let me down before anything even started. It was a challenge ignoring something that was coming constantly with you. 

So as school started I was more nervous than expected. When schedules were given I entered my lessons and literally all the seats were taken, so I sat at the back. Alone.

What was worse was that everyone knew each other for 5 years of secondary, they already had their groups, friends and hangout areas. 

Oh… Did I mention I was the only Muslim there. Literally. Only covered up girl. The school was not multi-culture. So when there was assemblies or even go my into class, everyone, literally everyone, stares at me.

Now if I was the type to enjoy being centre of attention, I’ll do be thinking yeah, check me out.

But I wasn’t. I failed my English drama for GCSE because of being scared of the eyes on me. Twice. But luckily my teacher understood and gave me third tryout. 

You see I never knew social anxiety existed, heck I didn’t know what anxiety was! So my heart starts bunp no hard and fast. I can feel my back start sweating. It was gross but at that moment I wasn’t thinking if that. 

I’m boarding school, my classmates called me tomatoe face,  I can feel my face heat up and they could see it turn red, whenever I got embarrassed or shy. 

I was praying no-one could see my face Turing red. It would make me more nervous and worried than I already was. 

3 months later… I would ask my teachers if there was something wrong with m, as I never made any friends and was alone in lessons, during break/ lunch and whoever I had free periods, My teachers told me that it sometimes takes more time for others to adjust and make friends. So I kept hope that soon someone will want to talk to me. Someone would want to be my friend. That I was someone peol e wanted to talk to. 

I didn’t try and talk to my classmates knowing I need to make the first step. But then the conversation dies down and it becomes awkward with no one  talking. I then face up. My body didn’t have the courage to start talking to anyme. It automatically stayed shut and I started t feel safer without having to talk. 
But whenever I was asked a question, my body panic as my mind races, thinking of how to answer. Everyone turns and looks at me and when I reply my voice sounds so squeaky and shaky and I get envarreded if anyone could hear the panic in my tone. 

I began not wanting o be around my little sister an Les other members in the family and noticed how I was so different to everyone. That’s when I decided to go to my GP and not only didn’t I learn about anxiety, but also found out there was many things wrong with me. 

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Hidden behind the mask

Social anxiety really sucks. It prevents you from hanging out with your classmates, being around family, meeting new people, feeling confident, making friends, not being socially awkward, speaking out, being heard. It makes you feel like crap.

You feel all alone; not knowing you to talk to, who will understand the loneliness you feel inside. A whole is literally inside you. In class/work you see all those people talking and laughing with one another, and you always say to yourself,

‘I wish I was them’

Everyday is a tortue as a high school girl. Despite having the same routine: walk to school, get to class, etc. It was something I had to think of the night before, preparing myself on how tomorrow may occur so I was prepared. Now you may be thinking prepared for what? Well it was preparing me from embarrassment. 

Social anxiety is not only about being scared of being around others, it’s also about thinking of the worst outcome, you mind is so panicked of any possible embarrassments, like tripping while walking, walking into the class late, everyone staring at you. 

To most people these things are nothing to even worry about. It’s so little and harmless. But to me it’s 100 times horrific. My heart starts beating fast, Palm becoming sweaty, lungs getting tighter. Just thinking about it terrifies me; but I have to, to survive from complete embarrassment, to survive from the voice in my head. 

So this blog is about how I stay hidden behind the mask I wear, everyday, inside my house and out in the open. A true life story of how life is struggling.
But… I believes after every hardship comes ease.

So I’ll be writing my journey on discovering my happy ending, on fighting the devil in my head and becoming happy after struggling for many years now.