So I’m going to tell you my story of starting sixth form with no idea of the sorrow the future had waiting for me.
I was currently in a boarding school, for five years. Everyone knew me as a quiet girl but I was determined to change that. I knew I wasn’t going to be those loud girls but my aim was to be more talkative, more approachable and a lot more confident.
My plan was to go to college; however my mom wanted me to go somewhere local and as my sister was starting year 7 in the same area as the sixth form, I somehow ended up going there. Sure I was a little bummed, but my aim was still my top priority.
So as summer holiday rapidly went by, I tried much as possible to block the voice in my head making me nervous. I’m not crazy saying there’s a voice in my head, everyone has it. It’s either positive, negative or both.
My whole life my negative voice was much more louder than positive, it made me think I wasn’t good enough to get an A in my exams of course work, if made me feel hopeless in many situation.
But I didn’t want it to let me down before anything even started. It was a challenge ignoring something that was coming constantly with you.
So as school started I was more nervous than expected. When schedules were given I entered my lessons and literally all the seats were taken, so I sat at the back. Alone.
What was worse was that everyone knew each other for 5 years of secondary, they already had their groups, friends and hangout areas.
Oh… Did I mention I was the only Muslim there. Literally. Only covered up girl. The school was not multi-culture. So when there was assemblies or even go my into class, everyone, literally everyone, stares at me.
Now if I was the type to enjoy being centre of attention, I’ll do be thinking yeah, check me out.
But I wasn’t. I failed my English drama for GCSE because of being scared of the eyes on me. Twice. But luckily my teacher understood and gave me third tryout.
You see I never knew social anxiety existed, heck I didn’t know what anxiety was! So my heart starts bunp no hard and fast. I can feel my back start sweating. It was gross but at that moment I wasn’t thinking if that.
I’m boarding school, my classmates called me tomatoe face, I can feel my face heat up and they could see it turn red, whenever I got embarrassed or shy.
I was praying no-one could see my face Turing red. It would make me more nervous and worried than I already was.
3 months later… I would ask my teachers if there was something wrong with m, as I never made any friends and was alone in lessons, during break/ lunch and whoever I had free periods, My teachers told me that it sometimes takes more time for others to adjust and make friends. So I kept hope that soon someone will want to talk to me. Someone would want to be my friend. That I was someone peol e wanted to talk to.
I didn’t try and talk to my classmates knowing I need to make the first step. But then the conversation dies down and it becomes awkward with no one talking. I then face up. My body didn’t have the courage to start talking to anyme. It automatically stayed shut and I started t feel safer without having to talk.
But whenever I was asked a question, my body panic as my mind races, thinking of how to answer. Everyone turns and looks at me and when I reply my voice sounds so squeaky and shaky and I get envarreded if anyone could hear the panic in my tone.
I began not wanting o be around my little sister an Les other members in the family and noticed how I was so different to everyone. That’s when I decided to go to my GP and not only didn’t I learn about anxiety, but also found out there was many things wrong with me.